Monday, January 25, 2016

Another Grim Revelation

When I was a young man thinking about the future, I anticipated many things. I knew life would be hard. I knew nothing was free in this world and that I would have to struggle and fight and kick and scratch and claw for every benefit or advantage I would ever get. I knew love would be rare but pain would be plentiful. I knew happiness came in small doses, and that man’s natural estate was a steady grind of work, hunger, sadness, misery and boredom; a brief and futile war against disease and death that defeats us all in the end. I was ready for this.

But nothing prepared me to live in a world where adult human beings would pay fifteen bucks to see Batman vs Superman and think it was a meaningful topic of conversation afterwards. Nothing ever prepared me for that, and I really don’t know what to say about it.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Football Day In America

So which gang of millionaires do you want to see win today? Which multi-billionaire ego-maniac prick owner do you want to see even more enriched and bathed in glory at the end of this business day? Personally, I want the Cardinals to win, but that’s only because I like red and they have pretty little cartoon birds on their helmets. That’s the most compelling reason I can think of for rooting for any of them. Regardless of who wins, we’re still doomed to see Peyton Manning on TV every two minutes for the rest of our fucking lives on this lost planet … And that fuckin’ Papa John’s guy, oh that fuckin’ Papa John’s guy.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Dispatch From Oregon

“We can take over a bird sanctuary, and drink Capri Suns from little straws, and whisper the Second Amendment in each other’s ears every night.”

“Tell me Obama is evil, just one more time.”

“He’s just like Hitler, baby, and he doesn’t have a birth certificate.”

“Don’t stop, daddy.”

“ACORN, Planned Parenthood, baby parts!”


FEMA camps!

“Oh God!”

The Bureau of Land Management!

“OH, DADDY!!!”

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Another Day In Lunatic America

Just another day in lunatic America:
A Missouri teen who was accidentally shot by her father has died after being taken off of life support Christmas Eve. Kaitlyn Pullam, 17, was shot the night of December 21 at her Poplar Bluff, Missouri home, KFVS reported. Butler County Sheriff Mark Dobbs told the television station that Pullam's father thought the gun was not loaded and it inadvertently went off. She was found unresponsive in her bedroom with what appeared to be a single gunshot wound to her face, authorities said.
Guns don’t kill people, but stupid people with guns do. Hey, at least she had freedom in her brief seventeen years.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Thank You, NRA!

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the NRA for keeping us all free. If it wasn’t for them, government would just keep getting bigger and more intrusive. Out of control government agencies like the NSA would probably be spying on us, listening to our phone calls and monitoring our browsing habits, etc. We would have hyper-militarized police departments bullying the citizenry, banging down doors, shooting people at the drop of a hat and seizing property. We would have ridiculously high defense budgets and we would always be at war, ceaselessly bombing and invading other countries, setting up torture chambers, and generally making the entire world despise us. But that doesn’t happen because we're armed!

Yesiree Bob, if it wasn’t for all those pot-bellied white dudes and their rifles, we’d all be living in a regular 1984 type scenario! So if your kid gets killed at the next school shooting, just remember that freedom isn’t free and that’s the price we all have to pay for liberty, mmmkay?

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

A Break for Student Debtors

Do you or your child have heavy student loan debt? Well I have good news for you. This is from the Exit Counseling Guide for borrowers of federal student loans:
If you die, of if you are a parent borrower of a PLUS loan and the student for whom you obtained the loan dies, you may be eligible for a discharge.
How’s that for a deal? If you or your kid dies you may be get a discharge!

Now quit complaining and get my nonfat Latte, you entitled whiners!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Bernie Sanders in Reno

I went and saw Bernie Sanders the other night at the University of Nevada, Reno. I estimated the crowd at around 3,000, but the Reno Gazette-Journal reports 4,500 people were there. That’s not bad for this seedy, soul-dead, Republican dominated hell-hole. If it wasn’t for gambling, prostitution and dive bars, the place would be a complete loss, worse than Modesto even (and seeing as how Nevada’s public school system routinely ranks dead last in the nation, the future doesn’t look bright. Abandon all hope, ye who enter Nevada).

I have a neuralgic loathing of crowds, particularly American crowds in summer apparel. On those unfortunate occasions when I’m surrounded by a herd of Americans at play, consuming, waving flags, listening to classic rock, cheering in unison, I look to the sky in search of that liberating meteor that is going to be here someday … someday …

Let’s face it, whenever large groups of Americans get together they either start a war or form a lynch mob (or trample someone to death on route to the stuffed animal aisle or the electronics department).

This crowd was okay, though. The news reports emphasize how young it was, but I was struck by the number of middle- aged and older people there. Many of the of them were the same fading old lefties you see manning the phones at PBS pledge drives, but not all. The crowd was diverse and civil, and no Free Mumia morons or other attention seeking professional “activists” showed up to discredit to the event and turn it into a pointless left-wing circle jerk. All in all, it was a healthy gathering where serious but hopeful Americans booed the oligarchy we live under and cheered for a better way.

Before the speech, a group of cartoonishly voluptuous women in short skirts and tank-tops unfurled a banner that said “Hookers 4 Hillary!” They dressed like waitresses at Hooters, and the fellow next to me thought it was a joke; not I. Those were the real thing. A trained eye can always spot an alcoholic or a hooker a mile a way. You just have to know what to look for. Sure enough, they were employees of the nearby Moonlight Bunny Ranch who actively support Hillary Clinton. That’s a steady source of funding that your average Bernie supporter might have a tough time matching.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Pierce on the BLM Protesters

Charles Pierce puts the idiot agent provocateurs “protesters” who disrupted the Sanders’ rally in their proper place (emphasis added):
What happened in Seattle was an embarrassment to the tradition of public protest.  It was a hysterical piece of performance art that accomplished absolutely nothing toward whatever goals its performers sought to achieve. Rage is not an excuse. Frustration is not an excuse. This was a simple act of public vandalism, aimed (again) at the wrong target. … This is taking advantage of the openness of a campaign that is overwhelmingly sympathetic to your goals, instead of bringing your fight to the politicians who actively oppose you, because it's easier to do. Consider me unimpressed by the courage involved. I feel absolutely no compunction about saying that this “action” was stupid and counterproductive. It was loud and spectacular and it accomplished nothing good.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Bernie Sanders is Being Sabotaged

Well, well, Black Lives Matter just crashed another Bernie Sanders event and forced him off the stage.

I wonder, why don’t they do this to Jeb Bush or Scott Walker? Why don’t they accost Hillary Clinton? Why do they only attack the the most progressive candidate in the election? Why do they only attack their most natural political ally?

Can anyone explain this to me?

Who benefits most from undermining Bernie in a primary campaign? We all know the answer to that.

Monday, July 20, 2015

The View From The Center

I am a fat, white, middle-aged man sitting on the couch. I’m wearing a baseball cap and watching sports. I pay attention to commercials. I’m not politically active, but I vote out of a vague sense of duty. I’m not a Republican or a Democrat and do not vote along party lines. I proudly say that I vote for the “best person.”

I’ve never left the United States because, as I’ve told my friends, “there’s plenty to see right here.”  I do not read for pleasure. I’m not clear on the difference between a Honduran and a Salvadoran or a Mexican.  For that matter, I’m not one hundred percent on the difference between the Chinese and the Japanese. But it doesn’t matter, because such issues never, ever  come up in my day-to-day life. Such knowledge is totally irrelevant to my work, and nobody in my social circle knows or cares about such information. It is as alien to our concerns as astrophysics or ballet.

I’m a moderate, but my views, such as they are, tend to lean center right. For example, I believe the United States needs to be tough on crime, tough on terrorism, and tough on illegal aliens. I think we need to stand up to Putin, Iran, and other enemies of democracy.  I don&rsquo't like welfare handouts, but I’m okay with a social safety net because I’m basically a decent and generous person.

In my heart of hearts, I believe blacks are less intelligent than whites, and this is why they are continually behind everyone else, but I never admit this unless I’m with friends who I know feel the same way.

(On the other hand, I secretly fear that Asians are smarter than whites, maybe a LOT smarter. This is troublesome to me, but I dismiss it with the thought that they’re robotic and lack individuality. I console myself with the knowledge that intelligence isn’t everything.)

I am, in short, the big fat white American normal. I used to be called “the vital center” in American politics. I am the demographic that candidates try to win after they’ve secured their  party’s nomination.

Lately. just lately, I’ve begun to sense something wrong with this country. I can’t put my finger on it, but I can feel in my bones that something way deep down is askew. It no longer feels like the country I grew up in. What is it?

So for the first time in my life I am paying closer attention to politics. I am listening with an open mind to candidates from both right and left that I normally wouldn’t give the time of day. This weekend I decided to give leftists like Bernie Sanders and Martin O’Malley a look, and what did I see?

I saw everything Rush Limbaugh says about the left. I saw every cliché about left wing activists all rolled up and bunched into a single, cringe-worthy episode that proves they are totally unfit to be taken seriously as a political force in America. I saw a screeching activist undermining her natural political allies for the sake of getting attention. I saw a spoiled child ruining it for everyone because nobody was giving her pet cause enough attention. Just as the views of people like Bernie Sanders were beginning to gain a little traction among people like me, I saw a fool, an arrant fool, deliberately cutting them off at the knees.

Meanwhile, Trump stuck to his guns. I don’t agree with a lot of what he says, but he has guts and he doesn’t back down. He talks straight. And funny as it sounds, he might be just  the kind of person this country needs …